It’s been so long since I have written. I do daily blogs in my head and change my mind about posting them or forget the content by the time I have access or time to sit down and type. I find myself having more of a conversation with myself and not wanting to see it reflected back off w screen.
I have had a crazy year. I’ve moved into the world of triathlons and have learnt that even though I hate my body for not being able to do what all woman can ; have babies, I can still push it to its max and achieve amazing things.
I have taught myself to swim front crawl, braved the scrum of open water swimming. I have cycled 112miles with out training and run marathons. I completed the Long Course Weekend in Tenby and managed to secure all 4 of the medals even though my Saturday cycle was sound tracked by the “can’t do this” Demons. I cycled in France, although this was punctuated with emotional brakedowns and I came last out of my friendship group, and I recently completed Snowdon Marathon YET I still feel completely placeless in the world around me.
Ive had this nagging voice that always tells me I don’t fit in ever since I can remember. When I was younger I managed to find people with similar musics tast, interests, books and then running to quieten it down. But then I turned a certain age and the people around me have become husband and wife and inevitably parents.
I find myself desperate to relate and saying stupid things like “my friends daughter, my friends son does blah blah blah” I want to be able to fit into the conversations. I want to have life experiences to share but I don’t and if I don’t have a friends anecdote to share I make situations up just to be able to say something and not sit in w out of my own misery.
On the weekend we had a family Bonfire and fireworks. One of my husbands cousins was there with her little boy and my brother-in-law’s ex (who he is still amazing friends with) was there with her little girl (not his, just clarifying hahahahaha). I say talking to the ex for a while heard the drivel coming out of my mouth, the cloying “oh your a wonderful mum” “oh she is so beautiful” “she is so clever” etc etc not that she isn’t but it’s like a reflex with me now. I over compensate for my barrenness by being overly complimentary about other people’s children or parenting skills. Of course she absorbed it oblivious to how I sounded in my head and the pride and love radiated out of her towards her perfect little girl and back to her.
when the party moved indoors the women sat in the conservatory. I could hear the mum stories, the both stories, breast feeding nappy changing, bed time stories and I had not one thing to contribute. I sat on in the next room with the men. I didn’t belong to the whole world of femininity, motherhood and sisterhood that was taking place next door. I intensely felt my alienation and it’s something I am feeling more and more.
i feel I don’t have a place in the world. There is a door made of glass that I can look through, hear through but I can’t walk through.