anyone who is scared off by deep and meaningful jibba jabba please stop reading now!
my previous blogs have spoken a lot about my IVF journey that has constantly run alongside my running journey. Both have had their ups and downs but running has helped me through so much of the emotional distress and bridged the emotional void that sharing with other people can’t.
In feb we used our last embryos. It failed. I cried. I laced up my daps and I hit the streets. Did I deal with it? I don’t think so. I think the therapy came in the form of obsessing about something else.
I have signed up for race upon race upon race. I have thrown myself into running in a blind belief it is helping me. I laugh in the right places, I smile at the right words and I carry on about my day to day life and almost convince myself as well as others I’m ok.
Then the last few days something has derailed me. I don’t know where the tears have come from but I feel as if I am on the verge of a daily breakdown. I visited a friend today and for the first time in a month cried about it all. Did I feel cleansed, lightened? Ready to tackle the situation? No!
Solition? I went running. I left the streets behind and headed up into the mountains between Pontypridd and the Rhondda Valleys and Ynysybwl. It’s a road that cuts through the mountainside and Forrestry to a place called Llanwynno
The route is hilly and tough and leaves no room for thinking about anything other than regulating your breathing and reaching your destination.
The sunshine that was with us at the start soon disappeared and we were attacked by hail… Getting to be a bit of a pattern this attack of the elements.
Soaking wet but triumphant I had made it to the tip of the hardest hill on the outward journey we turned around at the half way point and headed back. I told the husband about how upset I had been and he said
“it’s going to hit you every now and again.”
Conversation ended there and Moved to the new lambs in the field. I stopped talkking and thinking as I let myself power up the last of the hills on the return stretch and as the watches beeped our finish I patted myself on the back at a job well done.
It had been a great run, I finished that route without stopping but the real pat on the back was because once again I had successfully managed to avoid being an emotional human and had safely secured my feelings beneath a veneer of sweat!
So is running therapy? Or does it just help me to disguise how I really feel? Does it help me be the version of myself I present to the world?
The friend who sat with me as I cried today said life is smoke and mirrors for a lot of us.
My last blog was about what motivates me. Today I’m struggling with that.
Yesterday I was determined to do a 13 mile circular route though the in-laws village in preparation for the Cardiff Half.
my goals
I wanted to complete 13miles
wanted a nice consistent 5:30 min K
hit 10miles under 1:30.
test the new gels.
So there are my 4 reasons for running. Motivation is something else and boy did I struggle!
The first few K I went off too quick. I felt good so I wanted to maintain it but knew deep down it was a bad decision.
The 5k-10k section felt an eternity as the roads were long and straight with nothing to see other than the road in front of you. This is soul destroying when your pushing yourself. I find I need distraction and identical field after field doesn’t offer me that.
I like routes I can break into sections. Run to the next corner, get to the pub (and stop Hahahaha), run to the school etc. I knew once I was past this section of fields I would be ok. Well that was the plan.
At 10k I tested a High5 gel. Can’t say I am a fan of the gloopy texture. I needed water to wash it down and the effort to free my water bottle from its pouch and then secure it again was frustrating.
7 miles disappeared but at 8 miles I had a wobble and didn’t think I could carry on. My pace had dropped and my legs didn’t work. I had a scream, shouted I couldn’t do it, breathed deeply and told myself off.
What followed? Constant watch watching from 8-9:5 miles and me having already made the decision to stop at 10. I have run further and could have carried on but my brain stopped me. Failure!
So to recap on my reasons for running.
I didn’t complete my 13miles
my pace was 5:32k average
10miles in 1:30
the gels made my tummy drop into my shoes and I farted for 2k and hoped to god I wouldn’t embarrass myself by either having an accident or have to relieve myself on the roadside!
I had failed on all 4 accounts.
When I later heard that a girl my husband knows had ran her first 13 miles having only started running recently I felt even more Despondent.
With legs like lead I headed to Lincoln parkrun today. The husband didn’t come. Yesterday we decided that it’s safer for our relationship we don’t run together. I had shouted when he had ran slightly ahead of me instead of next to me to pace and then I had the cheek to say that conversation would have taken me past my pain barrier. It’s easier to blame someone else for your shortcomings than admit you were mentally weak eh! It ended with me texting his running husband and insisting he could keep him!
Parkrun wasn’t a great success either. Just under 27 minutes due to the sheer number of runners. I also got stuck behind a trio running side by side who obviously had no running etiquette (yes I’m a grumpy arse today). However, to glean some positives I wasn’t as slow as I thought i was going to be.
Then I heard 2 people from club had ran a 26 minute parkrun. Thrilled for them but the growing frustration at my lack of progress is pressing down heavily upon me. I use to be faster than them it not I think I would struggle to keep up.
Is this fact or is it that negative voice making false whispers again? I don’t know.
So Do I run tomorrow and hit out those 13miles? Or do I wait till Friday and do a pod run with the girls and push along with them?
The spark that The Merthyr Mawr Pudding Run had ignited was still there and I have well and truly got the trail running bug!
After a breakfast of porridge and a cup of tea I spent ages rushing about checking kit. Trail runnjng is different. You need certain kit just in case you pick up and injury and spend a while oout in the elements waiting to be rescued
hat
gloves
base layer
Waterproof jacket
check! Got water bottles, gel blocks and clean clothes for afterwards. And we are off!
Margam park registration venue
The registration was in Margam Castle building. A gorgeous old house with slate flooring and plush red velvet carpet going up a wooden mahogany staircase. Luckily this was sectioned off. We aren’t the cleanest of runners us Trailies.
The route was 13.1 miles through gorgeous woodland, going through beautiful mojntsins and paths that went along tops of trees.
The weather was horrendous. So wet and misty. The pathes were churned up immediately and the more runners that went out in front of us, the worst it got.
I was running with A. Normally we are each other’s nemesis. We really like each other but our speed is close enough to create underlying competition.
It started when I first joined the club. A had taken some time off and on coming back was slower than me. I wasn’t fast by a long chalk but I had a sight edge and wanted to be faster. Nothing was said during those seasons by one evening my other friend R and I went for a 10k ru and A had to do out and try and do that route quicker. It was the starting point.
I wasn’t really aware I was “competition” until she broke the 26min 5k barrier and landed firmly in the 25min zone. I was at a relay that night and she had passed comment,
“I’m in the 25’s. M will be devastated. I don’t know if I should tell her.”
I was thrilled for her. She had worked hard, plugged away at it and delivered. But on hearing that from someone else at club, and if I am now being honest with myself, I do now worry she will romp home before me at a race. Hahahaha
Until the Cardiff 10k that is. I wasn’t suppose to be running it but had a place last minute. We spent ages talking about the pressure we put on yourselves and how we didn’t enjoy the race just focused on the finishing line . We needed a run where we could kick back and enjoy the experience. We both felt the same and I think this thawed the competitive edge (maybe lol). Oh did I say I beat her Hahahahah a 10j PB of 52 for me.
Then we discovered trail running together.
There is something special about running knee deep in mud, feeling the earth beneath your feet and being able to stop and take in your surroundings.
The trail runners are a different brand of animal. Maybe I’m being romantic about it all but to me they are a stronger, fitter , leaner more muscular creature. Not only that there is a social aspect i haven’t whiteness During a road run yet. Don’t get me wrong, on s road run out club runners shout encouragement if the course loops back on itself but I haven’t had much of a conversation with others.
Thats not strictly true. During the Cardiff half last year I hit breaking point at mile 10. I had gone off too fast, not judged my pace and mental demons were kicking my ass from pillar to post.
This girl came over to me and asked me if I wanted to stop and woukd I run to the end with her to keep her going. She wouldn’t let me stop, kept up encouraging commentary and even when I said I couldn’t do it she promised me I could get under that 2hr Mark.
Her kindness was remarkable. I don’t know if she was heading for her own PB as she didn’t say but instead celebrated mine. We hugged and swapped runnjng store is and the warm fuzzy post run euphoria wa wrapped around me. I tried to find her in Facebook and send her a thank you message but I either got the wrong person or perhaps she thought I was a stalking madwoman!
So back to trail running and the Hoka. A and I ran and chatted our way through the first 4K. We talked about children, or lack of, holidays and general catch up stuff. Hoppy ran with is on account of him havin get his knee so out pace was good for him. (The cheek of it lol)
The first wooded hill climb was hard. We al went up in singletons and couldn’t get any pace going. People chatted and laughed and grumbled about aching legs. When we reached the top we were treated with misty views of the valleys and yet another gradual incline.
Hoopy had to keep stopping and I think rat A and I were secretly relieved. It gave us time to catch our breath, have a chat and then push on taking in the beauty of the route.
Mountain Rescue were parked 7k into route and Hoppy had to get painkillers. I was convinced he would have to pull it by in the distance 3 bikers, like the horsemen of the apocalypse, came out of the mist and told us there was a down hill section. YIPEEEE!
God damn our premature celebration. Coming up in the opposite direction was Speedy. Initially we thought we had caught him up…. Then it dawned on us that this must have been one hell of a down hill section before the turning point. At 11k, after a 4K decline we are turned around.
At this point I could have drunk out of a puddle and was grateful for the swear runnjng down my face into my mouth! We plugged away at the hills and got further up them than we bought.
I was fascinated by the age of the more resilient runners. Again it seemed to be the older runners who had the most stamina and the best technique. There was one lady who seemed to be bouncing up on the tips of her toes and looked so fresh.
By the one we hit 16k and the final food station A, Hippy and myself were shrivelling up. The marshals held out jelly babies, water and energy bars which we guzzled in like a buffet. All thoughts of time were done as the hit from the energy bars hit our tastebuds. We shouldn’t have ate the whole thing but it tasted so good but the downside of our greed was an instant stitch.
“One more mile to go.” Shouted a marshal. Out amount of whooping echoed through the trees.
We looked at our watch and realised that if the finish was 1 mile away they had cut the run short. we didn’t care. The race for the finish line had all the sense of achievement a full half would have had.
We were finishing as a team, we had helped each other and we had had the time if our lives.
Hubby bought me a new pair of trail shoes so I am desperately hunting another trail run.
I talk a lot about RUNNERS TUMMY but if I’m honest I don’t really know what I have.
As anyone who reads my blog will know, my hubby and I have been going through fertility issues for 4 years and I’m convinced that my issues running are somehow linked to this.
I started running about the same time my fertility problems started so I have no concrete point of reference befofertikiture then, annoyingly. Before I became a runner I would swim, cycle, did strength and conditioning classes etc etc and the short sharp bursts of cardio and strength training didn’t affect me at all.
I started running on the reccomendation of my personal trainer. I was on holiday and rather than lose my fitness he suggested 3 mile runs daily. I had ran as part of a warm up or interval sessions and don’t remember there being any issues and those first week of running on holidays didn’t cause me any problems other than nearly killing me with effort!
I developed The Running Bug quite quickly but as I was mostly runnnng a mixture of stop starts for longer distances I didn’t notice anything.
Then my fertility problems started. 2 Ectopic pregnancies and my body stopped wanting to play ball.
As we went through cycles of IVF and I took more and more notice of my body I could tell when I had an ovarian cyst, knew exactly when I was about to ovulate and could tell when my body was releasing eggs.
I tried to keep for during my cycles, ran as much as I could until I was told to stop and I started to notice these horrific griping pains.
I googled them and all said Runners Tummy. That it was the urge to poop during the run due to oxygen being forced to your muscles and makes your bowels contract. (Or something like that)
I wasn’t convinced. I tried Imodium before a run, still got pains. I pooped before a run. Still got it. I’ve pooped kn a run. STILL GOT IT! I changed my diet on the reccomendation of article after article. I watched the amount of fibrous foods I ate, my caffeine intake, cut back on dairy, stopped eating bananas as I was told I couldn’t digest them (not by a doctor by a running friend and let’s face it we listen to anything a fellow runner tells us as long as it means we can keep running). Nothing helped!!!!
Let me describe the symptoms to you
griping tummy pain that is a cross between period pains and needing a poop
Body sweats-the pain comes instantaneously I’m covered in a film of sweat that drips down my back!
difficulty breathing
legs becone heavy and I feel like I’m dragging myself around what should be an easy run.
the pain gets worst until I stop. It’s womb level. I literally want to s team either it and curl into a ball.
Some times it’s not as bad as others and if I keep going I can run through it. Most days I can’t. Other days it doubles me over and I can’t think or do anything until it passes. I’ve been crunched up on the side of road before now, rocking back and forth until it passes.
For someone like me who had real issues with the functioning of her body, this is confidence shattering. It affects my running which unsettles my mental state. It leaves me feeling broken and useless. And No! this isn’t over dramatic. Our bodies define us, wether in a negative way or possitive. As much as we hate to admit it, it’s what we judge ourselves and others on and I already feel weakens at not being able to reproduce like a normal women. To be left crippled up on the roadside unable to run makes me feel even more demoralised mad strengthen my hatred for my body and myself! That negative mind talk gets louder and louder!
When I am fully functioning I can run 5k in sub 25 or at least as close to this as the mood takes me. When I have issues I hit 27/28 mins. For 2 weeks I struggle to hit 5k, can’t get past 3k without wanting to die and I dip in enthusiasm and effort to achieve longer runs or faster times. When I finally do get over the dreaded cramps I find my pace is a lot slower, my endurance gone and I am left feeling frustrated.
I broke down last night. With another failed IVF under my belt and now this I honestly feel like my body is incapable of performing normally! Why is it others breeze through life and I aways find the biggest pile of crap to step in!
Many many women have said the experience similar things but there are no articles out there that offer help. Until a friend of mine sent me this Running and menstruation
It all makes perfect sence. Unfortunately I think I fall into the extreme pain category. The hubby has been suggesting a diary for a while so I’m going to document it. Perhaps mix it up training like the article suggests.
Ive had it for 8 days now so will keep an eye on things from here. It started day 7 of my cycle so it’s something I need to look into. Maybe it’s to do with ovulation surges, or ovarian cysts or changes in hormone levels full stop. Once is have documented evidence I will go to the doctors and see if they can help.
If anyone else experienced similar please feel free to offer me help.
The spark that The Merthyr Mawr Pudding Run had ignited was still there and I have well and truly got the trail running bug!
dorunnerspoointhewoods 