The Darkside!

My last blog was about what motivates me. Today I’m struggling with that.

Yesterday I was determined to do a 13 mile circular route though the in-laws village in preparation for the Cardiff Half.

my goals

1. I wanted to complete 13miles
2. wanted a nice consistent 5:30 min K
3. hit 10miles under 1:30.
4. test the new gels.

So there are my 4 reasons for running. Motivation is something else and boy did I struggle!

The first few K I went off too quick. I felt good so I wanted to maintain it but knew deep down it was a bad decision.

The 5k-10k section felt an eternity as the roads were long and straight with nothing to see other than the road in front of you. This is soul destroying when your pushing yourself. I find I need distraction and identical field after field doesn’t offer me that.

I like routes I can break into sections. Run to the next corner, get to the pub (and stop Hahahaha), run to the school etc. I knew once I was past this section of fields I would be ok. Well that was the plan.

At 10k I tested a High5 gel. Can’t say I am a fan of the gloopy texture. I needed water to wash it down and the effort to free my water bottle from its pouch and then secure it again was frustrating.

7 miles disappeared but at 8 miles I had a wobble and didn’t think I could carry on. My pace had dropped and my legs didn’t work. I had a scream, shouted I couldn’t do it, breathed deeply and told myself off.

What followed? Constant watch watching from 8-9:5 miles  and me having already made the decision to stop at 10. I have run further and could  have carried on but my brain stopped me. Failure!

So to recap on my reasons for running.

1. I didn’t complete my 13miles
2. my pace was 5:32k average
3. 10miles in 1:30
4. the gels made my tummy drop into my shoes and I farted for 2k and hoped to god I wouldn’t embarrass myself by either having an accident or have to relieve myself on the roadside!

I had failed on all 4 accounts.

When I later heard that a girl my husband knows had ran her first 13 miles having only started running recently I felt even more Despondent.

With legs like lead I headed to Lincoln parkrun today. The husband didn’t come. Yesterday we decided that it’s safer for our relationship we don’t run together. I had shouted when he had ran slightly ahead of me instead of next to me to pace and then I had the cheek to say that conversation would have taken me past my pain barrier. It’s easier to blame someone else for your shortcomings than admit you were mentally weak eh!  It ended with me texting his running husband and insisting he could keep him!

Parkrun wasn’t a great success either. Just under 27 minutes due to the sheer number of runners. I also got stuck behind a trio running side by side who obviously had no running etiquette (yes I’m a grumpy arse today). However, to glean some positives I wasn’t as slow as I thought i was going to be.

Then I heard 2 people from club had ran a 26 minute parkrun. Thrilled for them but the growing frustration at my lack of progress is pressing down heavily upon me. I use to be faster than them it not I think I would struggle to keep up.

Is this fact or is it that negative voice making false whispers again? I don’t know.

So Do I run tomorrow and hit out those 13miles? Or do I wait till Friday and do a pod run with the girls and push along with them?